I wanted to post something regarding my absence from “the scene”. As many of you may have noticed, I’ve largely not been around. There are reasons for this, and I’ll try to enumerate them for you. To begin with, my decision to put EnD on hiatus and take a break from music came down to three things originally:
- I wanted to take a year off and start to plan a regional tour
- Playing every month was exhausting on top of a job life that was overly stressful
- I wanted to drink less
As far as the first part of my decision, I couldn’t bring myself to do more than the legwork on that, due in large part to the second. Our final show at Ziggy’s with Access to Concrete and DJ’s Wraith and Remnant on May 6th, 2023 was the final nail in the coffin due to the third, an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.
The details are unimportant, but let’s just say I didn’t enjoy very much of the evening (except for Lindsey’s DJ set before we went on. Suite Jeebus woman!). Friends in the audience recognized that something was off and were kind enough to tell me. I decided right there I was done. I tried mixing the recording of that show, but couldn’t. It was too painful, hence no release. This leaves Live 35, recorded at Skull Detroit’s Gothfest, as our swan song.
The real tragedy here is something else died on that stage: my creativity. It’s been more than a year and I’ve not been able to play, let alone record. Oh, I can pick up a guitar and doink around. I can pick up a bass and do the same. But, it’s just something to do with my hands. There’s little joy in it. I tried rearranging the studio. Considered trying my hand at programming music via MIDI. Even spent some money on the venture, but it just seemed too big and drove my anxiety thru the roof.
The thought of going to see a live band where I know most of the players has been painful to entertain. Considering that I was a year into some low grade depression by the time of that last show and not realizing it fully, well… you can begin surmise why I’ve pulled away from most of my social engagements. Add to that the fact that I’ve been an introvert all of my life maybe you can understand why going out for me and being in crowds can often be painful even when I’m at my healthiest. To be clear, I’m not currently at my healthiest.
Many of you have seen me work a crowd or endear myself to random strangers, but the surface level part of it comes as a coping mechanism more than a skill. It’s hard for me to get to truly know people and those who truly know me are on a very very short list. I used alcohol as a lubricant to make it easier to deal with people; be in crowds. Present the facade. I really couldn’t do it without it for a very long time. So, I’ve been avoiding shows primarily to mitigate my anxiety and relearn who I am in the context of others.
To top it all off, I was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes in September and that set off a chain of events that ultimately led to me going back into therapy. The journey from there to now has been an excruciating mess of emotions. I had to first accept that my health needed to be dealt with, then around Christmas I got hit with a tremendous wave of loneliness, which I look back on with some regrets as to how I handled it. Then, around my birthday I had a nervous breakdown that set off a crying fit that lasted for three days. Turning 55 wasn’t pleasant, especially when I still felt 35 in the head.
The diagnosis in the fall was both a blessing and a curse, then. The Diabetes meds helped me process foods better, coupled with a decline in carb intake and an increase in energy has done wonders for my body. I’m working out at least a little bit every day with 2-3 heavy workouts per week. I’ve gone from 180 lbs to my current 166 lbs. My goal is to get to 155 lbs. So, as I was getting my physical health back on track, my mental health declined.
Getting help for my anxiety, loneliness, and midlife crisis was difficult to say the least. The insurance company was no help, nor was my doctors office. I was able to get help thru someone at work, though, and thru that was eventually able to get to a psychiatrist to review my ADHD meds and get me into proper psychotherapy. I owe this person my life, but in the end, very likely destroyed a potential friendship. Fortunately, someone else picked me up and has been an anchor for me in this storm. She’s much better equipped to help me, due in no small part to our 30 year friendship. She’s not been alone, mind you. There are others and I cherish them dearly.
I’m currently in the process of sorting out the meds. It’s been a rocky few months, and I’ve had a stimulant added to the mix for the first time in more than a decade. In the past, stimulants didn’t do me any favors. More often they simply make me more hyper. So I’ve had to deal with elevated heart rates and one panic attack triggered by an extended heart rate increase as I navigate this. The first round was the easiest but I didn’t see an increase in focus so we’ve been adding then subtracting. The middle dose is my current and I still get the “zoomies” sometimes. I was prescribed a further “take as needed” subscription to counteract any side effects until this all settles. I needed it a bit initially, but less and less as this goes on.
The thing that’s most difficult is getting the prescription filled regularly enough that I don’t run out. I can miss a day and not have an issue. More than that and I crash and crash hard. My psychiatrist is understandably vexed by the whole thing. The pharmaceutical companies seem to be artificially causing these droughts so I have to go back and forth between pharmacies. It’s annoying.
So here I am, still working on myself and trying to get healthy in all areas of my life. I have a therapist to go with the psychiatrist now. We’re doing trauma therapy and its not easy. For now don’t take it personally if I don’t come to your show, but keep inviting me. Who knows. I may just show up.